My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
