You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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