took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
