She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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