Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
