Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
