I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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