hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
