Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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