just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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