Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
