Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
