Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
