my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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