The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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