So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
