I wish I only lived at night.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
