he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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