: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
