what day is it and did you see me today?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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