I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
