They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize