Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
