i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
