I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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