Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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