i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
