My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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