Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
