I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
