need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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