We won't sleep together?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
