I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
