Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
