New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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