Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
