Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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