how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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