Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize