I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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