you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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