have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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