Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
