i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I still have a little drunk in my system
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
