I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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