drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
