Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
