Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
