smell my finger.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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