I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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