Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
