i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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