I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
