Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
