I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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