I wish my penis had an off switch
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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