I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
