my mouth tastes like poor choices
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
