Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dear god my vagina.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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