I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
