dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
