i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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