A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
